A Letter

My dearest friend,

You are about to begin a new chapter of your life.  There will be so much more to follow.  Such is the glory of youth.  I wish you a lifetime of joy and happiness.  But I have to say,  that my life would not be the same without you in it.

You didn't run away six months ago, and I'm still not sure why. I put a lot of effort in chasing you off.   Why didn't you go?  Why didn't you listen?  I am so grateful that you did not.

I have been in some dark places, and your words have been there to wipe away my tears and pull me up.  You believed in me when I didn't.  You knew I can be a better person, and many times you've held up the mirror and showed her to me.  Whenever I've needed a kind word or morale support or just a giggle, you just seemed to know.

 There were times, along the way, that I had doubts.  I was afraid that you were just humoring me.  Keeping the lonely old lady entertained (in your eyes).  Laughing with your buddies about the silly woman that you've been chatting with.  But I know that even a good source of entertainment gets old.  You get bored, you move on.  You have never been that source of entertainment to me.... after the first 3 days... ;-)

When you were gone, for days at I time, I missed you terribly.  How long did I have to wait to tell my friend about my latest adventure?  And I loved hearing about all the things that you were doing.  I wasn't quite sure when that switched from "nice to hear from you" to "I can't wait to tell you".

People thought there wasn't much for us to talk about.  Yet we've talked almost daily, for hours.  Sometimes DEEP, MEANINGFUL conversations, sometimes just 3 hours of pure silliness.  You told me that I could be mushy with you, and you know that I will never laugh at you for being your absolute silliest. I will laugh with you though.   We've never put pressure on each other to be anything other than what we were.

You have told me many times how much I've changed you for the better.  Your 'better' was always there; maybe I'm just the one that saw it. But when you told me a few days ago that I was your best friend, I cried.  I didn't say anything, but I bet you knew.  You've been mine for so long now.

This letter is hopelessly rambling, I know.  But I can't really put everything I could say in words.  I like how you always say "when I see you....", not "if" or "someday, maybe".  So, my friend, when I see you I can show you everything I couldn't say.

h/k

Cyberlife 2.0

Everyone wants to know if sexting is cheating.  I want to know if it's dating. You go to chat rooms, with distinctly bar-like names, and talk to total strangers.  Some are real and some seem to think they're in Vegas.  They've got a name for every situation!  Most folks just want to hook up, find a cozy little private space and type 'till they can't see straight. No names, no real conversation, no history, just a quickie in the corner.  Then there are the webcam mistresses, illegal in most bars and chatrooms.  They lure you off to their lair, money changes hands, and everybody's happy.  I don't want either.  I like the people that actually want to talk to you.  They want to know something about you.  Maybe they're hoping the night will end with a trip to ooh lala land, but they're in no rush to get there.

What's the difference between that and a date?  I have a webcam now; I can dress cute and talk face to face.  We could have dinner, drinks, share a movie, even a bag of popcorn if we've both been to the store.  It's all Dutch, of course, and dinner might be from two completely different restaurants, but what's the difference?  I can date a man from anywhere in the world!  We can talk art, share a bottle of merlot, laugh at Jim Carey's dumb line... Sounds good to me.  More than I've been doing.

There have been 'hook-ups', but not every time.  And most of the guys have come back.  It seems they enjoy talking to me.  I enjoy talking to them.  I've been hearing more and more from friends that have met their spouses online. Is this how they did it?  Are these the dates they went on, when they were in Tucson and their future husband was in Toronto?  Have I finally broken through that barricade and joined the dating world?  Or am I just making excuses for needing someone so badly that I'm willing to venture into the newest version of debauchery?

A Matter of When

I learned a new word today. Jaan is a word heard in Hindi and Punjabi cultures in India. I thought it was a variation of genie, like djinn.  Not even close.  Jaan is a word used by lovers to describe someone who is your soul mate, your one true love.  That person is someone you love so much you would give your life for theirs.  I think it's a lovely sentiment.  Great for India, with it's short, exacting dating rules and marriages for life.  But we, in the U.S., have become a culture where everything is disposable, including lovers.  Five minute marriages, ten minute divorces; Jaan's original meaning isn't very practical.  I propose a new meaning for these United States. I think it should mean trust.

Trust is the one thing that is in short supply in my life.  Could be my own fault, or it could be a factor in my past behavior.  I can't trust jobs, can't trust money, can't trust some friends, can't always trust family.  How am I supposed to trust a relationship? But that's what I want, more than anything.  I want a man I can trust with my life and my heart. That's all I want. Looks and money can come and go.  But where is that man I can give my heart over to and not worried about when I will find it shattered on the floor? It's never been a matter of if. It's always been a matter of when.  Self-fulfilling prophesy? Maybe. But believing it won't happen will make it 100 times worse when it does.  

Dolphins have a behavior that is only ever seen in captivity.  When they know they are safe from harm, dolphins will occasionally swim on their backs.  They love to feel the sun on their bellies, but they cannot defend themselves in this position.  So, in the wild, this would be a suicide move.  Even in a group, they won't do it.  But captive dolphins are not surrounded by predators.  There are no sharks or jellyfish or hunting humans.  Once they truly feel safe around their human handlers, they begin to swim on their backs.  They understand that the humans are not interested in causing harm, and there's no scent of sharks or jellyfish.  So they can expose their soft bellies to the sun.

Someday, I hope to be able to expose my undefended self to the sun.  I hope to be captivated by a man that truly deserves to see that protected side of me.  He will love me in a way that I will know the meaning of Jaan.  Maybe even the Indian version too...