Sunday, July 10, 2011

Path of Thorns

Dearest Devil's Advocate,

I know you care a lot about me. And I agree that you have what you believe to be my best interest at heart.  I am not angry with you.  There is no ill will between us.  But your words of caution broke my heart and left me a sad mess for the rest of the afternoon.

Things go wrong in the most ideal of situations.  Two people can be perfectly matched for each other and never fit. I have thought about all the many obstacles that block this path. You are quite right. Age difference, distance, culture, religion and family are huge.  Any one of those could stop a relationship cold.  But all of them? Frightening. Relationships have failed for lesser reasons. But you forgot the biggest obstacle; not trying at all.

I could listen to everything you said and give up right now.  Let it go.  I think for an hour or so, I was ready to.  You are so right. How could this possibly work?  How could anything but disaster and heartbreak come of this?  As long as I was willing to lie on the sofa and cry, you were totally right.

But I started to listen beyond your words. I started to think about my friend who is quite happy with a man several years her junior and a completely different religion.  I thought about the couple that had a three year long distance relationship, and will soon be celebrating their 10 year anniversary.  There's one of my new friends, a true cowboy, and his beautiful Asian wife. Not every story has a happy ending.  But there's enough. Even yours is a story of overcoming obstacles to find your happiness.

The words I really started to hear though, were his.  His words, saying that I am someone special.  His words saying that he can't describe how he feels when we talk.  His laughter when I need a little silliness.  And his admonitions when he can tell I haven't eaten.  The words that tells me he understands me; that he accepts who I am.  That despite every obstacle that may lie in the way, we hear each other.

So, Devil's Advocate, I don't know how things will turn out.  There is a lot to overcome.  But the only way that it can't be done, is if I give up right now.  And that's one obstacle that's been pulled down and knit into a scarf.  ;-)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

A Letter

My dearest friend,

You are about to begin a new chapter of your life.  There will be so much more to follow.  Such is the glory of youth.  I wish you a lifetime of joy and happiness.  But I have to say,  that my life would not be the same without you in it.

You didn't run away six months ago, and I'm still not sure why. I put a lot of effort in chasing you off.   Why didn't you go?  Why didn't you listen?  I am so grateful that you did not.

I have been in some dark places, and your words have been there to wipe away my tears and pull me up.  You believed in me when I didn't.  You knew I can be a better person, and many times you've held up the mirror and showed her to me.  Whenever I've needed a kind word or morale support or just a giggle, you just seemed to know.

 There were times, along the way, that I had doubts.  I was afraid that you were just humoring me.  Keeping the lonely old lady entertained (in your eyes).  Laughing with your buddies about the silly woman that you've been chatting with.  But I know that even a good source of entertainment gets old.  You get bored, you move on.  You have never been that source of entertainment to me.... after the first 3 days... ;-)

When you were gone, for days at I time, I missed you terribly.  How long did I have to wait to tell my friend about my latest adventure?  And I loved hearing about all the things that you were doing.  I wasn't quite sure when that switched from "nice to hear from you" to "I can't wait to tell you".

People thought there wasn't much for us to talk about.  Yet we've talked almost daily, for hours.  Sometimes DEEP, MEANINGFUL conversations, sometimes just 3 hours of pure silliness.  You told me that I could be mushy with you, and you know that I will never laugh at you for being your absolute silliest. I will laugh with you though.   We've never put pressure on each other to be anything other than what we were.

You have told me many times how much I've changed you for the better.  Your 'better' was always there; maybe I'm just the one that saw it. But when you told me a few days ago that I was your best friend, I cried.  I didn't say anything, but I bet you knew.  You've been mine for so long now.

This letter is hopelessly rambling, I know.  But I can't really put everything I could say in words.  I like how you always say "when I see you....", not "if" or "someday, maybe".  So, my friend, when I see you I can show you everything I couldn't say.


Monday, June 13, 2011

Cyberlife 2.0

Everyone wants to know if sexting is cheating.  I want to know if it's dating. You go to chat rooms, with distinctly bar-like names, and talk to total strangers.  Some are real and some seem to think they're in Vegas.  They've got a name for every situation!  Most folks just want to hook up, find a cozy little private space and type 'till they can't see straight. No names, no real conversation, no history, just a quickie in the corner.  Then there are the webcam mistresses, illegal in most bars and chatrooms.  They lure you off to their lair, money changes hands, and everybody's happy.  I don't want either.  I like the people that actually want to talk to you.  They want to know something about you.  Maybe they're hoping the night will end with a trip to ooh lala land, but they're in no rush to get there.

What's the difference between that and a date?  I have a webcam now; I can dress cute and talk face to face.  We could have dinner, drinks, share a movie, even a bag of popcorn if we've both been to the store.  It's all Dutch, of course, and dinner might be from two completely different restaurants, but what's the difference?  I can date a man from anywhere in the world!  We can talk art, share a bottle of merlot, laugh at Jim Carey's dumb line... Sounds good to me.  More than I've been doing.

There have been 'hook-ups', but not every time.  And most of the guys have come back.  It seems they enjoy talking to me.  I enjoy talking to them.  I've been hearing more and more from friends that have met their spouses online. Is this how they did it?  Are these the dates they went on, when they were in Tucson and their future husband was in Toronto?  Have I finally broken through that barricade and joined the dating world?  Or am I just making excuses for needing someone so badly that I'm willing to venture into the newest version of debauchery?

Thursday, June 2, 2011

A Matter of When

I learned a new word today. Jaan is a word heard in Hindi and Punjabi cultures in India. I thought it was a variation of genie, like djinn.  Not even close.  Jaan is a word used by lovers to describe someone who is your soul mate, your one true love.  That person is someone you love so much you would give your life for theirs.  I think it's a lovely sentiment.  Great for India, with it's short, exacting dating rules and marriages for life.  But we, in the U.S., have become a culture where everything is disposable, including lovers.  Five minute marriages, ten minute divorces; Jaan's original meaning isn't very practical.  I propose a new meaning for these United States. I think it should mean trust.

Trust is the one thing that is in short supply in my life.  Could be my own fault, or it could be a factor in my past behavior.  I can't trust jobs, can't trust money, can't trust some friends, can't always trust family.  How am I supposed to trust a relationship? But that's what I want, more than anything.  I want a man I can trust with my life and my heart. That's all I want. Looks and money can come and go.  But where is that man I can give my heart over to and not worried about when I will find it shattered on the floor? It's never been a matter of if. It's always been a matter of when.  Self-fulfilling prophesy? Maybe. But believing it won't happen will make it 100 times worse when it does.  

Dolphins have a behavior that is only ever seen in captivity.  When they know they are safe from harm, dolphins will occasionally swim on their backs.  They love to feel the sun on their bellies, but they cannot defend themselves in this position.  So, in the wild, this would be a suicide move.  Even in a group, they won't do it.  But captive dolphins are not surrounded by predators.  There are no sharks or jellyfish or hunting humans.  Once they truly feel safe around their human handlers, they begin to swim on their backs.  They understand that the humans are not interested in causing harm, and there's no scent of sharks or jellyfish.  So they can expose their soft bellies to the sun.

Someday, I hope to be able to expose my undefended self to the sun.  I hope to be captivated by a man that truly deserves to see that protected side of me.  He will love me in a way that I will know the meaning of Jaan.  Maybe even the Indian version too...

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Double Ds with a Webcam

It seems you cannot be single in 2011 without being familiar with chat rooms.  It took a few tries, but I think I got it. My ASL will put some guys off immediately. Fine. Not interested in them anyway.  But a few stick around. They're not intimidated by a 'mature' woman.  The next question, however, eliminates 98% of them. Do I have a webcam? No, I do not own a webcam. My computer is 4 years old, and we've gotten on quite happily without one.  Most of the time I'm in pjs with a scarf on my head, or wearing an enormous Tigger bathrobe.  Just what I want broadcast...   I never knew I'd have to put on lipstick and a sexy top to sit in front of my computer.  The fact is, the webcam guys don't even want a sexy top. They want lipstick, hooker heels and DDs for their viewing pleasure. I have plenty of lipstick.  But I do not, nor have I ever, owned lucite heels.  As far as DDs? We won't even go there!

Apparently, there are plenty of 19-21 year old (according to their profiles) ladies who are in the webcam business.  They bare it all for anyone with a paypal account.  Gender is no object, because I've been approached a few times.  Wow! I thought they were called "chat" rooms. Who knew? The chat rooms themselves don't allow the trade, so the Webcam Mistresses lure you to a friendlier page, where they run your credit card and give you a virtual lap dance.  I suppose they have to find some way to pay for medical school....

I have to say, there have been less then a handful of men that didn't click off as soon as they found out I really wanted to chat.  All have been in their late 30s.  Some did ask about the webcam, but didn't flee when the discovered I was operating low-tech.  Most have been very sweet. If I had met them in person, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this.  But... I met them online. Which means they're not within a 1000 mile radius. Of course!  They can be a sweet and as wonderful and as kind as they want to be, I'll never meet them.  But, like one guy said, why just blow smoke up your ass if we're never going to cross paths?  So I like to think that they really do believe that I'm this really wonderful person.  I hope they actually like getting to know me.  They're good practice.  I can see for myself that men appreciate my personality on it's own merits.  So, as long as that 2% is out there, I guess I'll keep visiting the chat rooms.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Opening credits

I don't care what anybody says; single-hood is a waiting game.  Please explain to me how a 45 year old relatively attractive woman is still single? I'm utterly confused. Lost, even. Let me describe myself first.

I am a 45 year old Black female with dreadlocks halfway down my back. I'm 5'4", 125 lbs (varies slightly), 34 B (despite my best efforts), intelligent, with a wicked sense of humor. My best features, or so I've been told, are my mind and my ass, not always in that order. I think I'll be buried in either jeans or pajamas. A running joke with my friends is that if I ever get married, it will be in the nude. I'm not particularly religious, but I believe in a higher power and I lean toward Taoism. I love all things Hello Kitty and fairy art (particularly Amy Brown).  I'm a huge reader~ gravitating toward fantasy, sci-fi, and horror. Crafting and photography bring me peace of mind when everything around me has gone to hell. I'm not a party girl, but I love a good time.

Somewhere along the way, I lost the urge to get married. Relationships sound like a good thing, but I don't have enough experience to know. Can't blame that on my parents, they've been married for 47 years. Most of my friends are married. I have had two near misses; once with a guy that cheated on me and got kicked to the curb, and the other... a somewhat suspect arrangement that would have paid well, but MAY have been a shade illegal.  So.... no luck there.

But, I'm not concerned with marriage; I concerned with getting a date on a Friday night. That rarely happens. Why? is the question behind this blog.  I've never been the tight, mini skirt wearing kind of girl. I didn't start wearing make-up until last year.  I don't have boobs that need their own zip code. It's just me.  Sometimes I think I try to hard, sometimes, not enough.  I'm going to say something that may massively piss off anyone who ever reads this, but Black men do nothing for me.  Not the least bit interested.  There are plenty of attractive ones, but they don't look at me, I don't worry about them.  Any other race, is fair game.  I've 'gone out' with plenty of White men, a few Latinos, an Asian and a Middle-Eastern guy. I say 'gone out', because odds are, we don't really go anywhere.  Sex is probably involved. Everybody has fun, but it's off to the next one.  If it's too long in between, married guys are an easy mark. And amazingly, they come back for more.  They're more often second 'dates'.

I never intended to go looking for married men. Single guys are definitely preferable.  But married guys don't take as much work. Give them a little attention and they'll do practically anything for you.  The sharing part is what gets me. You can pretend all you want, but the wife/girlfriend ain't going anywhere.  And if she finds out.... bad, bad, bad.

So...what to do? What do I have to do to fix things? What have I been doing wrong all this time?  Is there a way to repair the damage to my self-esteem? I think there is. But I haven't found it yet.