Thursday, June 2, 2011

A Matter of When

I learned a new word today. Jaan is a word heard in Hindi and Punjabi cultures in India. I thought it was a variation of genie, like djinn.  Not even close.  Jaan is a word used by lovers to describe someone who is your soul mate, your one true love.  That person is someone you love so much you would give your life for theirs.  I think it's a lovely sentiment.  Great for India, with it's short, exacting dating rules and marriages for life.  But we, in the U.S., have become a culture where everything is disposable, including lovers.  Five minute marriages, ten minute divorces; Jaan's original meaning isn't very practical.  I propose a new meaning for these United States. I think it should mean trust.

Trust is the one thing that is in short supply in my life.  Could be my own fault, or it could be a factor in my past behavior.  I can't trust jobs, can't trust money, can't trust some friends, can't always trust family.  How am I supposed to trust a relationship? But that's what I want, more than anything.  I want a man I can trust with my life and my heart. That's all I want. Looks and money can come and go.  But where is that man I can give my heart over to and not worried about when I will find it shattered on the floor? It's never been a matter of if. It's always been a matter of when.  Self-fulfilling prophesy? Maybe. But believing it won't happen will make it 100 times worse when it does.  

Dolphins have a behavior that is only ever seen in captivity.  When they know they are safe from harm, dolphins will occasionally swim on their backs.  They love to feel the sun on their bellies, but they cannot defend themselves in this position.  So, in the wild, this would be a suicide move.  Even in a group, they won't do it.  But captive dolphins are not surrounded by predators.  There are no sharks or jellyfish or hunting humans.  Once they truly feel safe around their human handlers, they begin to swim on their backs.  They understand that the humans are not interested in causing harm, and there's no scent of sharks or jellyfish.  So they can expose their soft bellies to the sun.

Someday, I hope to be able to expose my undefended self to the sun.  I hope to be captivated by a man that truly deserves to see that protected side of me.  He will love me in a way that I will know the meaning of Jaan.  Maybe even the Indian version too...

1 comment:

  1. I look forward to reading about the day that you are able to "expose my undefended self to the sun." Being captivated by a man that truly deserves to see your protected side is mad cool. You deserve that. :-)